I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
