do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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