does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
