his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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