she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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