Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
so let's talk penis.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
