Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
