Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
