I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
