every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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