i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
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