Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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