T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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