I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I just found puke in my bra..
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
