My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
