She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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