SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
