I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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