So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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