I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
