I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
We named our party play list daddy issues
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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