If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Randomize
