he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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