He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
