the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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