I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
