when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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