Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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