Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
