just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
