What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
