you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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