about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
