I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
