There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
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Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
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I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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