how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
