The maid of honor just puked.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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