trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
