...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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