ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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