So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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