M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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