I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
