apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
