and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
