Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
