The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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