my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
