somebody snuck up and got me drunk
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
