i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
