I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Watching her eat just hurts me
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
i need some magic done to my vagina
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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