none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
