there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Randomize
