Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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