He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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