I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
