Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
