is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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