Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I need moral support for this bender
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
